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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27776911">Without You I’m hopeless</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinogirlparis/pseuds/dinogirlparis'>dinogirlparis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Season/Series 13 Spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:02:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>18,698</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27776911</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/dinogirlparis/pseuds/dinogirlparis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas dies as Dean cradles his body closer to his chest. Dean struggles to live, to move on, to hunt to breathe everything hurts without Cas. When Cas mysteriously appears alive Dean is forced to confront the feelings he's been hiding for years. After knowing the strength of his regrets he knows he can't live pretending any longer.</p><p>A/N: contains Supernatural season 12 and 13 spoilers, cannon typical violence, major character death (although he comes back).</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Cas learns too much from Dean and his self-sacrificing tendencies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story contains spoilers for season 12 and season 13 of supernatural. This story contains a major character death, however the character comes back. Please do not leave spoilers for season 15 in the comments as people may have not seen it. I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean stared at the glowing red portal in front of him, struggling to regain his breath. How could Cas have been so stupid? Dean was pissed. What could he possibly be thinking trying to take on Lucifer by himself?</p><p>Dean had seen Lucifer kill or at least graciously maim enough people near him to know that there was no way this was going to end well. He couldn't lose Cas not now. Not with everything else changing in his life, not that was new everything always seemed to be changing around him. But even though Cas had betrayed them, even though he'd abandoned him and Sam more times then Dean thought he could forgive, he had always been there for Dean when he needed him, one way or another. </p><p>And he needed Cas. In a way he thought he had always needed him.</p><p>Which was why no matter how stupid and self scraficing his plan was, (maybe Sam was right and Castiel had picked up too much from him), it was going to work, because Cas was not going to leave him. Satan be damned Cas was not leaving him. </p><p>If it wasn't for Sam's freakishly large arms around his waist, Dean was certain that he would have jumped through the glowing portal. He didn't care if they no longer had the cage or any concrete way to overpower Lucifer he would be leaving with his angel. </p><p>Dean was beginning to panic. The rational part of his brain knew that it had only been a couple of seconds, however he was heaving, air was struggling to come out even with the adrenaline pumping through him. Cas was just going to have to get through this, they'd gotten through worse before. He was going to find a way out of there alive and without injuries, otherwise Dean swore he would be the reason he died. </p><p>Too many times in his life Dean had lost Cas. Even though in the end he had always found his way back to the Winchester brothers, long after he was obligated to do so. Each time had been a time too many, had been more than Dean could take. It wasn't a process he could handle, not again. </p><p>When the portal opened violently expelling a beige blur Dean's eyes had trouble catching, he almost fell with the weight of his relief. In fact if it wasn't for Sam's arms still clutching him, lest another dumb self-sacrificing decision was made that day, he was certain that he would have landed in a pile on the grass like a collapsible folding chair. </p><p>Dean could still hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears, drowning out his own voice calling for Cas. He was breathing again, not ragged weary breaths but breaths that were steady, slow and grounding. Stepping forward, a smile beginning to form. His eyes found Cas' that seemed to despite all the years of history between them still surprise him with how unbelievable blue they were. </p><p>Cas was alive, and surprisingly uninjured. Dean wasn't going to question how or why. He learned long ago not to question when good things happened as they often unravelled horrible truths. </p><p>Attempting to take another step forward Dean stopped staring frozen eyes wide, hoping for probably the first time that he'd somehow hit his head and was beginning to suffer from a concussion induced hallucination, but he knew he wasn't that lucky. Lucifer was standing behind Cas, a manic gleam in his eyes and an unnaturally large smile making Dean, who has seen every horrible creature you can think of, shiver at the intent he was hiding behind it.</p><p>Before, Dean was able to do something, to run at Lucifer, to warn cas, a blue light exploded before his eyes so bright he couldn't make out any shapes all he could see was blinding glowing blue. So blue that it made him think of Cas's eyes when he squints at him annoyed and grouchy about whatever he'd just said, when they crinkle around the edges as he smiled and Dean couldn't help but think that his eyes were clearer than any water, brighter than the sky in the summer somehow both intimidating in their brightness and seemingly never ending expanse and comforting in their familiarity. </p><p>"Cas!" It took a couple seconds for Dean's eyesight to return, a couple seconds too long. The light was still there though it had already started to dull. Dean could see it flowing out from Cas's mouth, his eyes, even below his skin was glowing.</p><p>"CaAAaasssssssss!" Though as fast as Dean could begin to process the light it began to dim until there was nothing left and his body, Cas's body slid to the floor. The thunk echoed in is head drowning out the sound of his thoughts, of his brothers rapid breaths beside him of the terrifying creature still holding the tainted angel blade before him. </p><p>"Casssssssss!?!" He screamed at least he thought he was screaming, he couldn't hear or maybe it was that he couldn't process any sound above the voice screaming in his head "Cas, Cas, Cas is died and it's all your fault you let him die. Cas,Cas,Cas" over and over again. </p><p>A scream came echoing through the heavy silence startling Sam who still wasn't able to close his gapping mouth glanced over at his brother; Dean's eyes were unblinking staring ahead his mouth seemed to be moving though no words were leaving it. He hated to leave Dean here, not now, not when Dean was so unfocused that anything could catch him off guard. He couldn't lose him too. </p><p>However, Sam knew that the scream was important that the literal spawn of Satan could just as likely lead to their doom. With one final glance at his brother, Sam turned running towards the house, knowing Dean would be incapable of anything at the moment. </p><p>Dean wasn't sure when he fell to the ground, his knees in the cold wet grass, a fact he seemed both too overly aware of yet still not able to feel at all. He was staring down at Cas's body, his dead body and Dean sickeningly found himself grateful that when he fell that his eyelids had closed. He knew he wouldn't have been able to look at those blue eyes, not when all he would be able to see was the unnatural blue light, his grace, his life.</p><p>Dean had wrapped his arm around Cas's body. He wasn't cold, not yet but he was no longer warm or comforting. Pulling him up on into his lap dean thought of the dreams he used to have, ones where Cas' head would be resting in his lap he'd wanted then, but he didn't now. It wasn't supposed to be like this. Cas was ... Cas was supposed to be... Well he wasn't supposed to be like this, limp and heavy in his arms. </p><p>Dean knew he was being ridiculous, delusional even but he couldn't stop himself. He grabbed Cas' shoulders shaking his frame hoping against reason and logical and the fates in the world that seemed to have chosen his life specifically to fuck with that they could let him have this, this one little thing. The universe demanded everything of him and he'd given it everything wether he wanted to or not, but he couldn't let the world have Cas. He wouldn't let the man in his arms become the broken shell of a vessel. </p><p>Normally Dean didn't cry, didn't allow himself that luxury; taught by his dad that any feelings he had were useless, that they only got in the way in their line of work the work he hadn't even want to be a part of, not at that age. But it didn't even occur to him to try to stop the tears from rolling down his cheeks and splashing unnaturally loud in the quiet cold. He was rocking back and forward head bent over Cas whispering mumbled words that didn't quiet string together that he wasn't even aware he was saying out loud. Some were angry at Cas at himself " how could you have been so stupid?" he garbled between sobs shaking Cas violent side to side feeling nausea at the lack of response and the floppy unnatural movement of the body below. And the far quieter and broken crack as Dean pulled Cas closer to his chest placing his forehead against cas'' and rocking slowly, methodically to his words back and forward, back and forward. " I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Cas, I never should have and I'm sorry, this is my fault all my fault, I'm sorry." </p><p>Dean chocked struggling to breathe, every inhale hurt feeling like he was breathing acid into his lungs and every exhale brought with it a raspy painful sob and far more tears than he'd like to admit. </p><p>Dean knew Cas was dead could feel the stiffness setting in to his body, the coldness of his skin pressed against him, he could see the delicate lines of wings burned on either side of him but, Cas was a Winchester in every way that mattered and the laws of death rarely apply to the Winchester's. In fact one could say they even became good friends of death's in passing but far too annoying to stick around with. Just because he was holding Cas' body as he continued to rock back and forward didn't mean that there wasn't hope. He could be brought back he'd been brought before, he had to be Dean knew that he couldn't live without his angel.</p><p>"Please come back, please. I need you Cas. I can't live without you, I never got a chance to tell you but I will because you'll come back," Dean's body shook as he struggled to force the words out of his throat, "because you've done it before and you can do it again I know you can if not I'll find a way to bring you back just so that I can be the one to stab for being so stupid, nothing is worth sacrificing yourself over. Not even Lucifer you're too important because I love you. I never got the chance to tell you, but I love you castiel."</p><p>Dean struggled to breathe rasping and shaking, if it wasn't for his bodies natural instint to survive he would have already forgotten to breath and joined Cas. </p><p>Dean knew he shouldn't be angry and he felt guilty for it, but he was at who he didn't know. Cas for being so god damn stupid, Lucifer, himself for letting this happen, for not keeping a better look out for Cas, for not being able to stop what happened or the world itself for being so unnecessarily cruel to him and everyone around him. </p><p>Shaking Cas' body violently he couldn't stop the bitter desperate flow of his words. "Cas how could you have been so god damn stupid. Going after Lucifer by yourself. Don't you know that your worth too much to go running around sacrifing yourself? Didn't I show you were worth more than the death of any creature, even if it's the literal devil?" Heaving struggling to breath he almost fell over crushing Cas. Feeling guilty and rather sick with himself for his treatment of Cas he didn't deserved to be yelled at and shaken, not when the person he was really angry at was himself and Lucifer he wrapped his arms back around Cas cradling him against his chest like he was simply a frightened child that needed comforting. "Why aren't you back yet, you've come back before? What's different this time? Why haven't you come back yet?" </p><p>"Please Cas come back. I can't lose you not again" </p><p>"Please Cas"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Going out like a Winchester</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean's not sure how long he's been kneeling in the cold wet grass, cas' body pulled to his chest. Leaning over resting his chin onto Cas' soft dark hair, he thought of the all of times he'd wondered what if felt like, if it was soft, what it would be like to drag his fingers leisurely through the strands, he'd wondered, he'd yearned, he'd hoped, but not like this, not like this. </p><p>A series of loud footsteps startled Dean causing him to draw Cas inward wrapping his other arm around his side determined even now to defend him. But instead of a monster it's his brother kneeling down beside him a young golden haired boy is following and despite the appearance of his age Dean knows that it's the nephilim, that he's Lucifer's son. </p><p>It's been months of searching, of fighting with Cas to find him and suddenly for the first time he doesn't care. He doesn't care who Jack is, or why he's trailing after his brother, alive, not even whether he was going to kill him. He wasn't sure if he cared about anything. </p><p>Sam gently placed his hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean," his voice was soft and quiet like he's talking to an injured animal likely to dart away. </p><p>Dean knows that Sam is there and that he brought that damn nephilim with him, but he also doesn't seem able to respond to move his mouth and push out words, not sure if he remembers how. </p><p>Retracting his hand Sam accidentally brushes his fingers along the length of cas' forearm, Dean growls from the back of his throat low and gravely and though Sam knows he's in no real danger he can't help but jump back startled by the images of hellhounds the sound brought forth. </p><p>"Dean, Dean" Dean's eyes jump from staring at the burn marks spread on either side of Cas, they were so large and beautiful he would love to have seen them before. Not the glimpses he'd caught of whispy shadows in old barns and battlefields, but what they would have looked like unconfined to a vessel. He couldn't help but wonder what the wings would look like spread wide, moving in action. What they would have felt like? Would they have felt hard and veiny, like a crow's, able to slice at the wrong angle. Or would they have been soft like the stuffing of his pillows? He wishes he could have seen them, felt them to experience some part of Castiel's true form.</p><p>But instead he's stuck in the cold, in the dark, on the hard earth staring at some etchings in the ground. As he runs his fingers around the shape of one of the smaller feathers, he's careful  not to disturb their beautiful outline.</p><p>Sam was staring at him, eyes already red and puffy with a look of frantic desperation, fearing that he may have not only lost Cas but that in some ways he had lost his brother too. </p><p>"Dean, we're going to have to burn cas' body. And we're going to have to do it fast, Jack sends out a strong signal that could attract who knows what, maybe even Lucifer." </p><p>Dean knew his brother was right. They should burn Cas' body. He would have liked that Dean thought going out as a hunter, as a Winchester. Reluctantly and unbelievably slowly Dean drew his arms away from Cas. Sam reached forward prepared to help lift his body, but when Sam got within a couple inches of him, Dean growled and wrapped his arm back around him. </p><p>"I'll do it" Sam nodded and Dean pretended he couldn't see the concern in his brother's eyes. He couldn't let Cas go. He knew he could trust Sam that he wouldn't hurt or be disrespectful to Cas, but he couldn't let him go. He wouldn't not till he had to.</p><p>He had a little longer. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Dean closed his eyes not wanting to look at Cas' face as he pulled the sheet over his head. Throwing the torch, Sam set the pier ablaze and Dean watched as it slowly grew, climbing upwards. When the sheet caught fire an odd almost calming cold settled over him like the first dunk into a swimming pool in the heat of summer, but Dean knew it wouldn't be long till he was stuck there drowning in the emptiness. </p><p>No one said anything as they stared at the flames until they began to die down, no one said anything when they entered baby and Dean slammed off the rock music blaring through the speakers. No one said anything when Dean didn't head to the fridge to pull out a beer but instead opened one of the higher cupboards and pulled out a bottle of cheap scotch uncapping it and drinking straight from the bottle. </p><p>Dean knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep, terrified of the nightmares that would accompany him. Instead he sat down in one of the smaller rooms in the bunker. </p><p>Quietly Sam sat beside his brother, Dean wasn't sure how he had found him. </p><p>It was several long minutes or maybe even longer till either brother spoke. Sam had started testing the waters uncertain as to how his brother would react. He told one of his personal favourite moments about Castiel. Surprisingly Dean snorted and began to tell a tale of his own. </p><p>"Did I ever tell you about the time I tried to get Cas laid?"</p><p>"Oh god," Sam groaned "what did you do?" </p><p>So, Dean recounted the story surprised he'd never told Sam. Dean remembers that night fondly, it's when he began to see Cas not simply as a solider, but as a person with feelings. A friend. Dean laughs as he hears Sam's horrible impression of what Cas sounded like in one of his own personal tales, it's weird to hear a story of just Sam and Cas one he wasn't around for.</p><p> Dean picks up the bottle of scotch downing a shot before lowering it in his hands, eyes trained to where the label has begun peeling in the corner. </p><p>"I love him, Sammy." </p><p>Forcing himself Dean turns to look up at his brother, Sam shows no surprise instead he nods at him. "I know." </p><p>Sam pats Dean's knee before standing up and stretching, earning him a yawn, and leaves. Dean stares at the bottle still in his hands and chugs another swallow before going back to staring into the darkness.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms the Winchester Way -  Beer and Self-isolation</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's been three days since Dean hasn't said anything more than "Beer?" to his brother or to Jack, three days since Dean told Sam that he's in love with Cas, three days since Dean had to see him die, three days since he had to burn his body. Deans' not even sure how he's running he hasn't slept and when he has it's never for long before the nightmares kick in and he wakes up panting and reaching for the gun under his pillow, (which he's starting to think might cause more pain than good when he's already pointed it at Sam twice in his sleep deprived state). He hasn't really eaten anything just enough to get Sam to leave him alone. He's pretty sure he might actually be sweating alcohol, he's prided himself on not getting a hangover yet but that might just be because he's already started drinking before he's even fully awake. A wide range of alcoholic bottles can be found thrown in different rooms of the bunker scotch, vodka and enough beer bottles to litter a beach in Hawaii. </p><p>It's night time, though Dean's not sure how he knows that, Sam turned off all the lights in the bunker ages ago. He's been staring at the wall in front of him since, unable to sleep. He gave up even trying to, awhile ago, more concerned about what will follow him into his sleep than the lasting effects of its absence. </p><p>Bored of staring at the same wall for days on end, Dean wanders down the halls of the bunker aimlessly only stopping when he inevitably finds himself outside of what used to be Castiel's room.</p><p> Cas never spent much time with them in the bunker, but Dean still insisted that he should have his own room, that he should decorate it, fill it with his possessions even if he didn't own anything other than what he carried with him. Dean wanted to make sure that Cas knew that he could stay whenever he wanted, for however long. He even practically begged him to stay a couple of times, though if he was asked he would probably say that he simply gave Cas the option if he had wanted. Though it was rare, Dean always enjoyed when Cas stayed with them in the bunker. He enjoyed the angel's company and it was nice to know that if he wanted, Cas was only a couple doors down the hall from him. </p><p>Dean breathed deeply hoping to stop the shaking of his hands. He tried to convince himself it was only because he was starting to get well past tipsy, and slowly pushed open the door. </p><p>Switching on the lightbulb, Dean had to cover his eyes with his forearm and blink several times before his vision cleared well enough for him to make out more than vague shapes. Despite how long Dean tried to convince Cas that decorating the room and trying to make it distinctly his was important. Which only ever got him a confused head tilt and "But why would possessions and pictures make the room mine? I already know that it's mine, because you said that I could stay here and angels don't have possessions." The room still only had the same white walls and mattress as the others. Dean didn't care because he knew this was Cas's room, knew that he should be in it right now doing whatever he did when he wasn't sleeping instead of floating somewhere in broken pieces of ash. </p><p>Gently as if he was scared that if he touched it would crumble and break, like everything important to him seemed to, he laid his hand on the cool sheet. His heart was beating so loud his ears were ringing. He felt like he didn't belong here. This wasn't his room. This was Cas's and he should be the one here not him. But even when he tells himself that he shouldn't be here, he can't make himself leave. Instead he climbs his way up the bed, Cas' bed and lays on Cas' pillow and if he tries hard enough he can still smell Cas. Tears fall from his eyes onto the pillow and even though he tries to get them to stop, scared that he's contaminating Cas's pillow and it'll stop smelling like him, he can't.</p><p>He prays to Cas again like he does every night and every day and practically every moment he's awake and he can only get through "Cas, Please", before he passes out from the exhaustion. </p><p>* * *</p><p>It's late well into the morning before Dean finds the energy to leave the bed and it's only because his lack of appetite is starting to cause his stomach to make interesting gurgle noises. Dean had only woken himself up shaking feeling like he was going to throw up three times in the night which he was counting as a success because it was the first night he'd managed to fall back asleep after waking up. </p><p>He saw Sam in the hallway and he thankfully didn't say anything about finding him walking out of Cas's room, instead nodding to him and telling him that he made eggs that were still in the kitchen if he wanted some. </p><p>* * *</p><p>Checking both directions of the hallway Dean sighed and headed towards the bunker's kitchen. Sam's been trying to talk to Dean. However, he hasn't been successful. Dean always sees him and flees back to his or rather Cas's room before he can stop him. He's tried talking to Dean through the lock door on multiple occasions and all it ever earns him is blared rock music. Realistically Dean knows that he can't hide from Sam forever, or from his feelings or the reality of cas' ... of what happened to Cas, that Cas is gone, really gone this time.</p><p>Sam finally catches up to Dean on one of his rare excursions to the kitchen. </p><p>"Dean," Sam says quietly as if speaking to a particularly startled deer. </p><p>Dean knows that tone, and simply grunts in reply. It's the tone of voice he uses when he wants to talk even when he knows Dean doesn’t want to.  </p><p>"How are you feeling?"</p><p>Dean almost laughs around the last few bites of his sandwich, "how do you think?"</p><p>"Dean", Sam's shoulders shrug and he takes several small steps closer to where Dean's sitting elbows resting on the table. "Do you want to talk about it?"</p><p>"When have you ever known me to want to talk?"</p><p>Sam breaths deeply as if holding himself back. "Okay. Maybe you don't want to but I think it would be good for you to talk about what's happening, about how you're feeling. Cas was my friend too."</p><p>Dean snorts. Was. Sam's already using the past tense and he thinks he can understand how Dean feels. </p><p>"Yeah well just because you and Cas were friends or whatever doesn't mean you know a damn thing about what I'm feeling or what's best for me. Okay? So quit asking."</p><p>"Dean." </p><p>"Sam." </p><p>"Dean! You're being ridiculous. I know this is hard for you. And I know that this is probably harder for you than it is for me, but that doesn't mean I'm not also struggling. Cas was important to me too. But keeping all your feelings in and pretending there not there is stupid. When has that ever worked for you Dean? I'm just trying to help okay? I just want you to talk to me."</p><p>Dean stares at the grooves in the table, "what makes you think that I want your help?"</p><p>"Dean, we both know this isn't healthy for you. Why don't you try talking about it just to see if it helps.  If you say it doesn't I'll leave you alone. I just want you to try."</p><p>Dean stands priding himself on managing to maintain control, as he stands and slowly walks to the doorway, cause all he wants to do is start swinging at what's closest. "Leave it alone, Sammy" </p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p>Dean hasn't been back in his room except to shower and change clothes in two days, instead choosing to spend time in Cas's. </p><p>It's only when he gives up and opens one of the doors in the dresser to put away a couple days of clothes that he notices a box in the corner of the dresser with Cas's only possessions. He smiles for the first time in days, and he said he didn't have any possessions.</p><p>Carefully he pulled out the box not wanting to harm anything Cas's found important. Inside he found the mixtape he'd given him, Dean's old AC/DC shirt he'd given him after he fell, a bee keychain that Sam bought him (Dean thought the idea of having a keychain without a key was ridiculous but Cas had of course loved the gift) and a collection of photos, several Dean weren't even aware existed. In one Cas, Sam and Dean were laughing in front of the impala. There was one Cas had clearly amaturely taken of Sam that was fuzzy on the edges. Another two he must have secretly taken of Dean, one was of his profile while he was driving and another of him standing in the kitchen laughing, he wasn't even aware that Cas owned a camera. At the very bottom of the box was another photo this one was framed. It was a photo that Sam insisted they took claiming that there wasn't enough of them, Dean was annoyed at the time though extremely grateful now, because even if he didn't put it on display Cas had a framed photo of Dean with his arm wrapped around Cas, Dean was laughing at whatever Cas had said he couldn't remember now and Cas normally tentative and shy was smiling, a rare and beautiful sight.</p><p>Dean whispers a quiet almost inaudible prayer. The praying started ever since, god he still couldn't bring himself to think it let alone say it like Sam wanted him to. </p><p>"Cas", Dean drops his head into his hands, "God this feels so stupid. Praying to you when I know you're not here, that you can't hear me and that I won't get a response, but I guess what I'm trying to say is I miss you. Okay?” Dean grabbed the edge of the dresser, struggling to stand on his own.  </p><p>“I miss you. It's not the same without you here. It's hard. So much harder than any of the other times even. I feel so alone, which is dumb I have Sam and Jack. You were right about him you know.” Dean released his hold on the dresser and allowed himself to collapse onto the bed. “He's just a nice innocent child, a grown-adult yet also somehow a baby child, I don't I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. And I'm rambling to myself in an empty room, it's not even mine I'm rambling about nothing scared of what I might say in someone else's room. God my life is pathetic.” Dean stared at the wall as he struggled to breath around the words lodged in his throat. </p><p>“Sam wants me to talk about what happened about you and how ..., you know. It's been days and I still can't bring myself to say it it's stupid really I'm gonna have to say it eventually. I need to stop obsessing to move forward. I can't afford to let my guard down, to get distracted. So here I go, Cas is dead for real this time.” </p><p>"you're dead and you're not coming back, Dammit." Dean looked up screaming as if he could reach up to heaven and drag Cas back if only he was loud enough.</p><p>Dean smashes his clenched fist over and over into his thigh trying to stop the tears, rocking himself back and forth. Cas is dead and he isn't coming back and there's nothing I can do to change that I'm going to have to learn to live with that, or at least pretend for Sam until I can. Dean whipped the few stray tears from his cheeks and climbed his way up the bed and under the covers. It would be several hours and not until the sun was starting to rise until Dean's eyes drifted close from exhaustion.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Unhealthy coping mechanisms the winchester way stage II: violence and ignorance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Five days. It's been five days since .... since. Dean violently pulled open the fridge uncapping a beer throwing the cap over his shoulder, shrugging when he heard it echo on the ground instead of the counter. </p><p>Dropping his head in his hands, he let out a shaky breath. He just wants it to stop, he needs it to stop. The flashes of memory, the feeling of Cas growing cold and limp in his arms, the sound of the cry in his voice as the blade struck him, the echo of his body hitting the floor, the emptiness in his eyes and the unmoving state of his limbs. </p><p>He's shaking using his free hand to balance himself on the counter. He's losing his mind or perhaps he already lost it with everything else that mattered. </p><p>Dean shakes his head forcing himself to think of other thoughts, anything, anything other than the heavy slumped weight of Cas' body in his arms. The wing marks, his grace, his true self scorched in the ground forever. Instead he takes several deep breaths and thinks of Sam, he still has Sam and as long as he still has his little brother Sammy no matter how hard or unfulfilling life may seem he'll make it. </p><p>Jack, he may not know the nephilim boy well but the kid needs him and he has to help him. It's what Cas would have wanted. Cas had faith in Jack before they had the chance to meet and Dean needs to have faith in Jack, faith in what Cas believed. And he was starting to think he was right so far Jack had proven to be someone special in his innocence and desire to help everyone, to see the good in the world. A trait that Dean had never had the privilege to know, thrown too fast into the darkest twisted horrors the world of monsters and men had to offer. </p><p>No matter how hard he tries, he can never keep his mind off of Cas or that night. Downing the rest of his beer, savouring in the burn in his throat, Dean opens his laptop to look for his case. The anger burns inside him below the surface and Dean is scared that he won't be able to hold off his feelings for long and he's scared that once they take control he'll never be free of the pain and the sadness and the longing and desperation again. He needs release, he's hoping for something vicious and violent, something he can hack to bits. Otherwise he's scared that it won't be the monster he'll be aiming his aggression towards. </p><p>***</p><p>Sam's tried several times since that day to talk to Dean or at least to steal whatever bottle of alcohol he was currently holding. Dean always sees him first however. Scoping out every room before he enters and retreating as fast as possible, Sam’s only managed to corner him once and when all that got him was a broken, "Please don't Sam," he’d given up trying.</p><p>Beginning to feel stir crazy Dean slowly began to venture from the room he still thought of as cas's. It started simple with walks that quickly turned into sprints accompanied by blaring metallic and AC/DC, to driving baby for hours aimlessly till he found somewhere that sold beer and pie. Slowly growing braver Dean began not only leaving the bunker but what he found far scarier exploring within the bunker. Instead of running out of the kitchen as fast as possible once he'd raided whatever he could from the fridge that didn't need to be cooked, he instead cooked himself bacon and if all he cooked himself was a breakfast of bacon who could blame him, progress was still progress.  </p><p>***</p><p>Sam had gone on a supply run and left Dean and Jack in the library. </p><p>"What was he like?"</p><p>"Who?" Dean asked hesitantly.</p><p>"Castiel, I only knew him for a short time and then it was only through what my mother said about him. But, you've know him for a long time haven't you?" Jack tilted his head questioningly to the side heart wrenchingly reminding him of Cas. </p><p>"Yeah, I've known him god, it would be almost nine years. I can't believe it's been that long." Although Dean also couldn't believe he lived so many years before knowing him. </p><p>"Was he a good person?"</p><p>"Cas? Well he tried to be." Gagging, Dean stopped taking several seconds to breathe. Past tense, he'd referred to Cas in the past tense. He knew rationally that Cas was gone, he'd seen the burn marks of his wings, they'd never been there any of the other times. Dean still held onto hope a little too hard that maybe Cas could still come back he'd done it before. </p><p>"He’s made some dumb decisions, but in the end he always tries to do what's right, to try whatever he thinks would help the most people. And I guess in the end that's all that really matters."</p><p>"So, what makes you a good person is if you try to help people even if it doesn't work out?"</p><p>"Well," Dean shuffled his feet, "It gets more complicated than that, but basically yeah."</p><p>"Castiel was a good person because he tried to help people?"</p><p>"He was the best." Dean turned, fleeing the room before Jack could ask him more questions. It was good to talk about Cas to remember, but it hurt the empty reminder that was all he was now, a memory. </p><p>***</p><p>Sam cringed surprised by the anger in his brother's voice "I put Jodi on it" </p><p>"Why would you do that?" Dean was desperate, he needed that case. He needed the distraction, anything to escape his thoughts, his mind, his memories of... Cas. The good ones, the weird things Cas used to say, the rare happy moments between cases and apocalypses all ruined by the thought of that night. He can't keep thinking about it, reliving it. He's already going out of his freakin mind. </p><p>"Because we need to stay here.", Sam turned his chair, redirecting to face Dean, "we need to help Jack learn how to handle his powers. Jody can handle this."</p><p>"Yeah maybe she can, unless she ends up dead because you wanted to slip out on her to babysit the antichrist."</p><p>Sam sighed, "Dean we’re needed here."</p><p>Dean raised his arm waving it at Sam "No, don't."</p><p>"Mom" Their mom. Dean knew that she was dead, because that's how everything in their life seemed to go. There can't be any attachments because every person he learned to care about seemed to get hurt and he was the one stuck there holding their bodies wondering why it always seemed to be them there instead of himself. He had lost so much lately the guilt of the disappearance of their mom was almost stronger than the loss of her. She could be anywhere. She was probably dead and all he could think about was Cas. God, when did his life become nothing but some freak show of never ending funerals. Although he supposed, that was all his life had and probably would ever be. </p><p>"Don't. If you want to stay here and mister Miyagi this kid knock yourself out", Dean breathed deeply, attempting to lower his rapidly rising voice, "I didn't sign up for that, so I'm going to go to work.”</p><p>***</p><p>Dean's panting, struggling to breath as he finishes loading up the weapons into baby and lowering her trunk as gently as possible. The hunt only took three days and Dean dubbed it successful, even if that had more to do with the fact that it took his mind off of ... of, and beside he got to stab something, multiple something in fact. </p><p>The case had ended less than an hour ago. Dean was currently bandaging his arm that had gotten a pretty bad scrape, it was his left arm just above where he used to have the red handprint tattoo. Not that he would ever admit it out loud but Dean missed it, the scar it was nice to have a reminder that no matter what there was still someone that cared about him, that thought he was worth saving. He wrapped the gauze tighter than he should have, needing a distraction from his thoughts. The hunt had just barely ended and he was already waiting for the next one. </p><p>It had always been that way. Dean would drink and hide and wallow, but he never allowed himself that luxury for very long, never long enough. He was unable to handle his feelings, taught that were weaknesses that only ever lead to death and destruction. So, instead in true Winchester fashion he pushed them down and busied himself until he was so numb that he couldn't even feel the guilt or hate or the sadness or anything at all anymore. It had worked at least it usually did for a while except with Sam and Bobby and apparently even though he wasn't surprised, Cas.</p><p> He tried everything he could think of to distract himself, beer, some personal time with baby, hunting, research trying to talk to and help Jack, he even tried listening and taking Sam's goddamn useless advice. But he was anything but numb, he seemed if anything to increase in emotions, no matter how hard he tried to push them away, to bury them, to burn them, anything so he didn't have to feel so much at once. He couldn't handle it. The pain, the sadness, the anger, the guilt, the resentment even at Cas even if that only led to more guilt.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms the WInchester Way Stage III - Anger and Resentment</h2></a>
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    <p>Leaning over the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, head resting on his hands Dean stared at Cas's bedroom walls. Cas should be here instead of me. He should be the one sitting here in his own damn bed instead of me. Taking a long swallow of the beer, he breathed deeply.</p><p>Praying to Castiel was something he'd done far more times in his life than he was ever likely to admit and something he seemed to be doing even more lately. He missed Cas. He prayed to him the first night after and every night and often several times a day since. He prayed simply to talk even if Cas couldn't hear him it was nice in a way to be able to do something so familiar to him. He prayed while crying and hitting his hands on the surface of whatever was closest begging him to return home, to Sam, to Jack and most often selfishly for himself. He prayed angry at the world, Lucifer, his horrible luck and himself. </p><p>Today was different though, he was so many things that it was hard for him to choose if he was somehow all of them at once or somehow none of them. </p><p>He was angry, that was for sure, and no matter how much he told himself not to be he was angry at Cas for making a decision that got him killed, for thinking that his life mattered less than Lucifer and though he knew he wasn't entitled to it he was furious that Cas left him. That he had put Lucifer above him. </p><p>"Cas." He slurred borderline delirious, beer splashing unnaturally loud in the heavy unrelenting silence.</p><p>"Cas." He breathed again a hope, a plea, an accusation. </p><p>"You left me," He chuckled humorlessly "You goddamn chose that son of a bitch Lucifer over me."</p><p>Standing too quickly Dean swayed side to side. He knew he was being too loud, that he would end up waking Sam or Jack, but he didn't care. He wasn't sure if he really cared about anything anymore </p><p>"Christ how could have been so stupid?" Dean was pacing now back and forth the sound of his feet echoing almost as loud in the silence as the pounding in his head and his heartbeat in his ears. "What were you thinking getting yourself killed? That nothing would come of it, that you could just disappear and no one would notice. What did you think I wouldn't notice? That I wouldn't care?" </p><p>"YOU LEFT ME!!!!" Dean threw the now empty beer bottle at the wall that had been mocking him for days. It shattered sending glass raining to the floor. </p><p>The energy left Dean and suddenly he was sliding his back hitting against the front of the bed until his butt hit the floor. He almost yelped and had to pick up a piece of the green bottle and throw it on the pile in front of him. Turning over his hand he noticed something he didn't before, blood. His hand was bleeding. He must have cut it when he threw the bottle, odd he didn't remember his hand being cut. </p><p>Dean tried not to, to push everything down like he'd always done, like he could do with everyone else. It didn't work. Nothing ever seemed to with Cas. All he could think over and over again was you left me. Why did you leave me? I needed you and you left me. He was rocking back and forward knees tucked up to his chest head tucked in crying. He didn't try to stop the tears from flowing down his face and falling soaking the fabric of his shirt.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Too Damn Long</h2></a>
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    <p>The ringing startled Dean mid sentence, ending his rant about Jack. Careful to steady the wheel in one hand, Dean used the other to grab his phone, bringing it to his ear.</p><p> Cas. He's certain it's him. He recognised the deep timber of his voice. The one he remembers so vividly that he can hear it in his head berating him when he does something stupid, in his dreams saying things he's scared to want and in his nightmares screaming. The phone begins to slip through his fingers, he struggles to capture it again before bringing his shaking hand back up to his ear desperate to hear that voice again. </p><p>"Dean!" Sam Screamed leaning over Dean to recenter the wheel, he hadn't even realised he'd started to drift. "What happened is everything okay?" </p><p>Cas. Cas. Cas. He isn't sure how he can be talking to him, how he's alive. And for probably the first time ever he doesn't care about the price. Whatever it is he can handle it if Cas is by his side again.</p><p>Dean smiled causing his cheeks to ache, he wasn't sure how long it had been since he smiled. "It's Cas, he's alive."</p><p>Sam leans back into his seat. "Cas! How?"</p><p>Pushing hard on the gas, Dean shrugs. "Don't know. Don't care. All that matters is he's back."</p><p>***</p><p>Dean stood staring at the beige blur in front of him. Struggling to maintain balance, Dean stepped forward tentatively. He had to make sure that it was Cas, his Cas. He needed it to be. </p><p>"Is that really you?" He stared desperately searching Cas's face for a sign, any sign that this was Cas. He couldn't risk getting his hopes up. He didn't know what he would do if he had to lose Cas all over again. </p><p>"No. You're... you're dead." Dean flinched at the words of his brother already forgetting he was even there. </p><p>"Yeah I was. But then I ... annoyed an ancient cosmic being so much that he sent me back."</p><p>Gapping, Sam stared at Cas. "I don't know what to say."</p><p>Stepping forward, Dean smiled bigger than he had in days, big enough that in only a few seconds his cheeks were already beginning to ache. "Welcome home, pal." </p><p>He reached out wrapping his arms around Cas, crushing him against his chest. It took a couple seconds too long for Cas to respond wrapping his arms around Dean hard enough that he was struggling to breath. But Dean didn't care the strength was comforting, grounding and most importantly real. </p><p>"Cas." He chocked on the word barring his face into Cas' neck. He knew he was crying, but he didn't care. All that mattered was that Cas was breathing and real and alive and in front of him. He wasn't sure how long he held desperately onto Cas or maybe it was Cas who was crushing him there, not that he thought he was trapped he wanted to be there, to stay like this. </p><p>Startled by the sound of Sam's voice behind him Dean loosened his hold on Cas, slowly dropping his arms brushing them against Cas' gently as he pulled away. </p><p>Sam reached forward drawing the angel into a bone crushing hug, startling Cas and earning him several awkward pats on the back.</p><p>"How long have I been gone?"</p><p>Dean struggles to keep the crack out of his voice, to stop a new set of tears from rolling down his face. "Too damn long"</p><p>Dean could see Sam's lips moving but he didn't seem to be processing any of the words. He was staring, it took him several seconds to realise it, but even then he didn't stop. Cas was alive. He never thought he would get to see him again. To see the stupid dirty trench coat, the messy black hair and his blue eyes and most importantly his smile. Cas didn't smile often, Dean was never sure if he was actually unhappy or if he simply didn't know that when he was he was supposed to smile. It had been many years since Dean gave himself the mission to make Cas smile more and even though it had only happened a couple of times laugh. Every time he did smile Dean couldn't help but stare at him at how beautifully adorable he was. Those thoughts used to scare him, but they’re all he thinks about anymore.</p><p>Sam stops talking and its several long moments later when Dean grips Cas shoulder tighter than he should, a final check to make sure Cas is real. "Let's get you home buddy."</p><p>***</p><p>It takes longer than it should, especially with Dean driving, to arrive at the bunker. Dean struggled to drive at all especially after Cas chose to sit in the seat beside him. He kept finding his eyes drifting from the windshield to Cas, it didn't help that every time he looked over Cas was staring at him too. </p><p>"Dean." Sam said. </p><p>"Huh?" </p><p>"Aren't you supposed to be looking at the road?" Turning he noticed he was drifting onto the other side of the lane. It was a good thing that it was pretty late. </p><p>Sam tapped his shoulder. "Are you sure your okay to drive? If you're tired we can switch places."</p><p>Dean breathed deeply, tightening his hold on the wheel. "I've got it Sammy." </p><p>"Okay." Dean could hear the disbelieve in his voice and he knew that he wasn't worried about how "tired" he was. </p><p>Finally, Dean got to pull baby into her prime parking spot, before pulling out the keys and tucking them into his green jacket. </p><p>***</p><p>Sam hits him in the arm and Dean is startled yet again. Dean is rarely startled easily, but his sharp hunter focus is gone and his head is spinning and there's still a part of him that's trying to figure out if he's dreaming. But none of his dreams ever feel this real or make him so ridiculously deliriously happy.</p><p>He's staring again he realises. Dean shakes his head redirecting his gaze to the floor. It's awkward. No one knows what to say, choosing instead to stare at each other in the dark bunker. </p><p>Sam clears his throat, "I'm going to try and get some sleep." </p><p>Dean swears that he saw Sam smirk at him as he left the room. </p><p>It's several more seconds of staring, though its not awkward it stopped being awkward a long time ago, before either of them say anything. </p><p>"I'm gonna get a beer you want anything?" Cas shakes his head but trails silent after Dean into the kitchen.</p><p>***</p><p>Placing his hand over his mouth Dean fails to stifle his yawn. </p><p>"You should get some sleep," Cas remarks worriedly. </p><p>"Nah, I'm fine. I was hoping to get to spend some more time with you. You've been gone for a long time." Dean yawned a second time. </p><p>Cas tilted his head, eyes narrowed. "I have, but I will still be here in the morning. And you need sleep."</p><p>"Okay, Cas." Dean stood chair scraping against the tile as he turned, stepping towards his room. Even though Dean's limbs felt heavy and stift and he was still covered in scratch from the last hunt,  he wasn't sure if he could go to sleep, scared that letting go of Cas could lead him to disappearing again. If he couldn't see him, how could he be certain that he was still alive? He had to make sure some way that Cas was alive. </p><p>Dean stopped turning on his heels to face Cas again. Struggling to breath, he was thinking so many thoughts all at once that even he couldn't figure out how he felt. He was happy, so unbelievably happy that Cas was alive, and he was relieved that he wouldn't have to learn to live in a world without him. But he was also angry at himself for blaming Jack and Cas. He was angry and hurt and looking for someone to blame, something to hold onto to keep the guilt at bay, and he'd hurt the poor kid.</p><p>He was confused as to how exactly Cas was brought back and he was scared that he might not get to stay. That he might not be real. That he could lose him again and now he knew for certain that he couldn't live without him.</p><p>He'd spent his whole life avoiding feelings and relying on other people, taught by his father to trust no one. But over time he'd learned to break his father's rules, that sometimes other people and feelings could be as important as survival, because if he didn't have Cas, well he already knew that wasn't a world of living. </p><p>He wanted to tell him everything about how much he meant to him, about how hard it was to live without him, how sorry he was for fighting with him about Jack about pushing him away when he needed him. But Dean didn't know what to do and what to say and overall his need to hold onto Cas held him back. He couldn't lose Cas, not when had just got him back. </p><p>Reaching blindly forward struggling to see through the tears he couldn't seem to stop, Dean wrapped his arms around Cas pulling him closer. Cas yelped in surprise, but when Dean buried his head on his shoulder failing to smother his sobs, Cas lifted his arms pulling him closer content with the warmth it provided. Dean wasn't sure how long he stood in that hallway, he couldn't let go of Cas. He couldn't return to the cold emptiness of his room. He wanted, needed to have Cas hold him. He only began to reluctantly pull away when he had to blink himself awake more than once, feeling guilty for leaning all his weight on Cas, for good damn crying on him. He was glad Sam wasn't there he was sure he would never live down the moment of vulnerability. But when Dean finally lifted his head from Cas shoulder he was surprised to see how red and puffy Cas eyes were. Dean attempted to step back but Cas' grip didn't loosen until Dean mumbled a sleepy confused "Cas?" Startled Cas withdrew his arms unnaturally fast causing Dean to lean forward struggling to regain his balance.</p><p>Dean stared at Cas and opened his mouth desperate to say anything, everything. There were so many thoughts in his head he felt like he was drowning in them and if only he could open his mouth, he could free them. He was sick of secrets and lying, pretending through the awkward staring and weird interacting for years, but nothing came out. He stared, shaking his head and tried again and only getting as far as "Cas" before his throat closed up.</p><p>Dean sagged. "I'm gonna try to get some sleep",  Raising his arm Dean gripped Cas' shoulder, incredibly grateful that it was sold and real. "It's good having you back, Cas. It's been tough without you." Dean hesitated hand on the doorknob before deciding he couldn't handle to see Cas' face choosing instead to enter his room hopeful for some sleep.</p><p>***</p><p>"Dean?" Hand wrapped around the doorknob Dean freezes, thoughts of sleep and his memory foam mattress fleeing. Shoulders drooping, he turns heading towards Cas' voice. </p><p>"Dean, why are my things on the bed?" Freezing, heart hammering his chest, how could he have been so stupid. God. This was going to be awkward. </p><p>Reaching the door Dean can see Cas' back turned to him one hand dragging across a picture of Dean's smiling face. Lifting is hand, Dean knocks gently against the wood twice, Cas jumps pulling his hand back to rest immovably by his side. </p><p>"Hi" Yep, awkward. This was diffenitively awkward. </p><p>Cas swivelled head tilted eyes squinted "Dean, how did you find my things and why are they here?"</p><p>"Um...", Dean pushed off the wall forcing himself to walk closer to Cas before he ran away in embarrassment. "when you were gone I missed you so I ..."</p><p>"You missed me?"</p><p>Dean froze bile rising in his throat. "Of course I missed you Cas, you're my best friend." Dean rubbed the back of his neck forcing his eyes away from the picture on the bed, Dean's arm around Cas and one of his far to rare laughs. "Besides, it's boring when you're not around and I'm stuck with nothing but my brother and unreasonable piles of research."</p><p>Cas lips lifted a little, not noticeable to anyone else but immeasurably valuable to Dean. "I missed you too. Though where I was I had no real measure of time."</p><p>Dean nods as if Cas' story means anything to him. "Right so if that's all, I'm going to head back to my room to get some sleep."</p><p>"Wait."</p><p>Dean turns glad even if its only for a couple seconds to spend more time with Cas. </p><p>"I believe this is yours." Cas pulls out a plaid shirt from the closet, folding it in his hands and passing it over to Dean. </p><p>"Oh. Yeah. Thanks, Cas." Dean grabs the shirt fast enough that it unravels in his hands and he frantically shoves it into a ball cradling it to his chest. "I must have left that here when ... when - " </p><p>It's been several seconds and Dean still has yet to finish his sentence. </p><p>"When what Dean?" </p><p>"I..." Dean rubbed the back of his neck faltering "I may have slept here a couple nights after... well you know."</p><p>Cas tilted his head a silent question echoing, why.</p><p>Dean wrapped his arms around the bundle of shirt. "It reminded me of you okay?"</p><p>"Okay." Cas’ spoke hesitant and confused. </p><p>"Well if that's it I'm going - ", stepping backwards Dean's foot caught causing him to stumble arms swinging barely keeping himself from falling, "to leave and try to get some sleep." </p><p>When Cas says nothing, Dean turns walking as fast as he can back to his room. Once the door is shut and safely looked he turns hitting his head against the wood breathing deeply. Ugh, that was so incredibly akward. Why did I have to be so weird? Why did I have to be such a creep and hang out in his room? I just wanted things to go back to the way they were before , well maybe not that but… He shook his head trying to clear away his thoughts. He needed sleep and a plan to try and tell Cas. He had missed his chance before and he wasn't going to lose it again. But first he needed sleep and he had a feeling that he might actually manage a few hours nightmare free tonight.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. The frightening what ifs</h2></a>
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    <p>Dean was scared, in fact one might even say he was terrified, but he had to do it eventually. He had to tell Cas how he felt. No matter what it brought with it even if he ... lost Cas as a friend. No stop that you know that's not going to happen Cas isn't like that even if he doesn't feel that way he's not the type of person to leave you for feeling that way. </p><p>But there was always the possibility that maybe Cas felt the same way and maybe they could, well not have a normal relationship, not with the life they led, but they could be something more. </p><p>Dean had been hoping quietly, secretly from the shadows of his mind that there could be a chance of something, but the thought of shining a light on his feelings and forcing them into where they could be seen and heard, well it terrified him. </p><p>One way or another he was going to tell Cas eventually. He had lost his chance too many times, had felt Cas' cold dead body in his arms too many times and he knew now how important it was to do this before one of their seemingly never ending inevitable death's stuck. Remembering what it felt like when Cas was gone and all he could think of was the possibilities of what could happen if only he had, he wasn't screwing it up this time that was for sure, but first and most importantly he was going to welcome his friend home. </p><p>***</p><p>Grabbing the remote, Dean hesitated before passing it to Cas. </p><p>"Why don't you pick this time, I had to last time."</p><p>Cas eyed the remote sceptically, "You never let me pick."</p><p>"Yeah, well you died and came back I suppose that earns you free pick," Dean narrowed his eyes pointing the remote threateningly at Cas "don't get me wrong, it's only for tonight." Cas nodded, grabbing the remote, brushing Dean's fingers. </p><p>When after several minutes of scrolling later Cas chose a nature documentary about bees, Dean was not surprised. Although he did consider stealing the remote so that they could watch something that wouldn't put him to sleep. He didn't though, when Cas started excitedly spouting facts. God, he'd missed him. </p><p>It took far too long for Dean to realize he hadn't caught more than a couple of seconds of the show in the last half hour, instead his gaze kept wandering to the angel. He couldn't understand how he was alive, although Dean knew better than to question it. </p><p>"I missed you." Deans staring straight ahead, but he can still feel Cas' eyes boring into him. It's silent for several seconds and Dean begins to wonder if Cas even heard him, but when he turned his head Cas was staring at him intently.</p><p>"I missed you." Dean's not sure why he repeated it, but it's all he can think about. Cas is back and suddenly everything is easier again. Tears began to rise in his eyes and for once Dean doesn't try to stop them instead he turns burying his face into Cas' neck. "I missed you." He mumbled against Cas' skin. </p><p>Cas wrapped his arm around Dean's back drawing him closer. "I missed you too, Dean." </p><p>***</p><p>Dean struggled to open his eyes against the brightness. Moving his head, he groaned at the strain in his neck. </p><p>He nearly screamed when he felt an arm tighten around his back, yanking his eyes open. It's Cas' arm. </p><p>It takes a second for his mind to catch up and remember last night, he must have fallen asleep. </p><p>Rubbing his hand down his face he sighed pulling Cas arm off his back and rising from the coach, shivering from the sudden cold of the air. Turning to leave he froze, staring back at Cas' sleeping face where a small pile of drooling was collecting in the corner of his mouth, his hair somehow even messier than normal, if that was even possible. </p><p>***</p><p>Dean hummed, as he pulled open the closet and began hanging up his plaid shirts. </p><p> "You're in a good mood. Huh?" Sam eyed his brother scared of the potential term oil threatening to boil over in his mind. </p><p>"Yeah. and?"</p><p>"Nothing I just ugh…. you've been having a tough go", Sam squeezed Dean's shoulder, "so it's good to see you smile."</p><p>"Well I said I needed a big win, we got cas back that's a pretty damn big win." </p><p>"About Cas?"</p><p>Dean hesitated. "What about Cas?"</p><p>"You know what. Have you told him?"Sam was scared as to how his brother would react. There were certain things they didn't talk about, relationships, especially his relationship with Cas. </p><p>It pained him, watching Dean live without Cas, an empty shell of a being. </p><p>Cas hasn't even been back for a couple of days and Dean's happier than he's been since... well Sam can't remember the last time Dean acted like this. It had certainly been too long. Castiel was good for Dean and Sam knew that Dean was good for Cas too. It was obvious they needed each other, that they care for each other, that they love each other. He wondered how it took so long for either of them to notice and how even after all these years they both were too stubborn to do anything. </p><p>"Told him what Sam?"</p><p>Sam had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Dean could be as delusional as he wanted Sam wasn't letting him out of this one. "About what you told me that night, about how you feel." </p><p>"No, not yet." Dean balled the shirt in his hands bringing it to his chest before remembering what he was doing, shaking and refolding it he shoved it into the dresser. </p><p>"Why not?"</p><p>Through gritted teeth Dean said. "You know why not." </p><p>"Well, I think you should tell him. You've already lost him once and I know how much not getting that chance hurt you." Sam breathed long and slow preparing himself from the inevitable backlash of denial and regression, "I think it would be good for both of you if you talked to him about it. You never know he could always feel the same way."</p><p>"And that's supposed to make me feel better?" Dean slammed the dresser drawer, cringing when he remembered that Cas was on the side of the wall. </p><p>"What's that supposed to mean?" </p><p>"It's just, I can't okay. I can't mess this up, like I seem to mess up everything that matters. What if I tell him and he —" Dean's hands shook as he struggled to take the next breath trying as hard as he desperately could to do what he always does and push down his feelings, preventing anyone from seeing his vulnerabilities. "He doesn't want to be my friend any more and I lose him."</p><p>Dean slammed his forehead against the wall, numb to the reverberations "Huh? What then, Sam? I already lost him once," His voice shook and he struggled to regain his breath, he was not going to cry, he was not going to break. All that matters is that Cas is back, that he's alive. Feelings. Their stupid, unimportant. Yeah it felt like he was dying with the weight of this decade long secret not even a week ago, but that didn’t matter. If needed he could push that down too, a technique perfected by the prior years of practice. </p><p>But, Dean knew that maybe he couldn't forget about this. He'd tried to numb himself, to lose himself to be anything other than this stupid mess of unrequited feelings, but it was one of those rare moments Dean knew were envietable, because no matter how hard he tried, even with Cas here it still hurt. </p><p>A part of him was certain that this couldn't be real, Cas couldn't possibly be back because Dean Winchester doesn't get second chances, Dean Winchester doesn't get a happy ending. No his life is one fucked up ball of never ending ever growing pain and suffering. </p><p>"I don't think I could live through it again." Dean admitted head bowed. </p><p>Sam nodded slowly and waited several seconds before speaking wanting his words to be as clear as he could make them. "Dean, you and I both know Cas isn't like that, he values your friendship more than anything. More than the war in heaven. More than his family and more than some crush. Okay? Cas would never leave you." </p><p>"I know," Dean stared at his shoes as he dragged them across the unique diamond design on the carpet, "Maybe that's another thing I'm scared of."</p><p>"Why Dean? Why does the thought that Cas cares about you scare you so much? Isn't that what you want?"</p><p>"Maybe that's why it scares me Sam," Dean dragged his eyes up to meet his brothers, "maybe it's because I seem to hurt everyone around me that matters and maybe I'm scared that I'll hurt Cas too. So what if he feels the same way about me? We both know he could do better."</p><p>"That's the thing Dean I don't think he can, even if he wanted to I think he cares about you too much. I get that it's scary, And I might not even get how this feels for you, but I think that it's worth the risk. I see how happy you make Cas. You're the only person that's ever made him laugh, even I can't do that.”</p><p>"He does have a very specific type of humour, hard to crack"</p><p>Sam barrelled onward, knowing that Dean was simply trying to deflect. "I think that this is just one of those things in life that you have to risk, because well if you don't one day when Cas is gone for real you'll sit there walling about all the missed opportunities that you could have had if you'd only listened to your brother."</p><p>Dean dragged his hand across his face, breathing deeply. "You're right. Fuck, you're right. I'm gonna have to face my feelings eventually. God why did it have to be Cas?" That question seemed to be plaguing him for years, following him everywhere he went. Why did he have to fall for Cas? Oblivious, awkward, dorky, literal angel of the lord, his best friend Castiel and he was stuck staring at him awe struck. </p><p>A part of him knew that one day, he'd slip up or a hunt would go wrong and Cas would know and he'd have to face his feelings. He never imagined that day would actually come, he'd hoped he could push it off long enough that he would be taken out before anyone found out. He certainly never imagined that he'd want to tell Cas, that he might actually go through with the plan outloud where people could hear him. </p><p>"Really, you'll do it?" </p><p>Dean swatted at his brother, earning him a signature Sam bitchface. "What did I just say?" </p><p>"I should. I'm just scared I'm not used to talking, expressing even acknowledging my feelings, but you're right I know what it's like to live with the regret of never telling him, of never taking that opportunity and it's a feeling I would like to never have to face again." Dean dragged his eyes away from the hideous motel carpet to meet his brother's eyes. "So, if I were to try and say take your advice and tell him about my feelings how should I go about that?"</p><p>"Dean, I can't help you with that. We both know that this is something you have to do on your own."</p><p>"Come on Sammy. I'm not looking for you to write a speech, just any idea you have would be greatly appreciated."</p><p>"Well, this is Cas we're talking about and he's never been well observant, so I think that the only way to do this is to straight up tell him how you feel. Otherwise it could end up taking another decade before you get anywhere."</p><p>"Hey!" Dean nudged his brother, narrowing his eyes. "I'm trying here. Are you sure there isn't some subtler way I can do this and avoid all the mushy lovey dovey chick-flick moments."</p><p>"Dude, let me reiterate we're talking about Cas. He may have spent the last ten years on earth but he's still an angel. He's not really good at the subtlety or the hinting or any of the complications of human expression. Besides, it's not like you could go your whole relationship without telling him you like him."</p><p>"Yeah, lets just hope all this lovey dovey stuff ends up leading somewhere."</p>
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<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Now or never</h2></a>
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    <p>Dean leaned over the table knocking several books to the side. "I'm doing a beer run, I could use some company. Do you want to come?"</p><p>Cas stared at him apprehensively. </p><p>"I was planning on stopping at a dinner on the way there", Dean pulled a blue plaid jacket over his shirt, "You could get more coffee." </p><p>"Okay." Cas marked his page pushing the book in front of him. </p><p>***</p><p>Dean leaned over his side stretching to push the far door of his precious baby open. </p><p>Cas tilted his head to the side but entered the car anyway.  "Thank you." </p><p>"So," Dean fumbled with the keys nearly dropping them, he was supposed to be starting the car not awkwardly staring at his best friend. God this was gonna be harder than he thought, "Is there anything you want to listen to."</p><p>"I can choose? What happened to driver picks the music shotgun shuts his," Cas lifted his hands creating air quotes "piehole."</p><p>Dean laughed. "Man you gotta learn to capitalise on your revival. Try and get as much out of it as you can. I'm not likely to offer again." Although Dean wasn't sure that was true, all his previous rules and thoughts had changed so much because of Cas. He didn't think he'd ever truly be able to say no to anything he asked for, even if was as dumb choosing what music played. </p><p>"All right, I think I will choose."</p><p>"You can turn on the radio or choose something from the cassette tapes." Dean leaned over, hand steady on the wheel, to pull down the glove compartment.</p><p>"Thank you." Cas pulled the box of tapes squinting at their names, struggling to recognise them. </p><p>Feeling eyes on him Cas looked up to see Dean looking at him expectantly. "Dean, shouldn't you be paying attention to the road?" </p><p>Dean jumped nearly swerving the car. He clutched a hand to his chest as he laughed. "Cas, I learned to drive in way worse conditions. Besides", Dean rubbed the dashboard, "If this little baby was gonna be what killed me she would have done it by now." </p><p>Dean suppressed a laugh at the sight of Cas' full force glare. He lifted his hands in surrender. "Okay, Okay. I get it that's not the point." </p><p>Cas leaned back in his seat but kept his gaze trained on Dean. </p><p>Dean lowered both his hands to the wheel, making sure to place them at ten and two. "Fine, I’ll be more careful."</p><p>Cas nodded and went back to flipping through cassette tapes. </p><p>"Hey," Dean struggled not to turn and look at Cas, he knew if he started looking at him it would be hard to stop and then he wouldn't be watching the road and Cas would yell at him. And well he wanted today to go well and preferably that included as little grumpy Cas as possible, even if he was kinda cute with his little grumpy pout. "Have you picked a tape yet?"</p><p>Cas nodded delicately placing the tape into the cassette player. </p><p>"Metallica," Dean drummed his fingers on the steering wheel in time with the song, "good choice." </p><p>Careful not to hurt any of the tapes, Cas placed the box back into the glove compartment. "It was one of the only ones I recognised."</p><p>"Well, I guess that's another thing we gotta add to the list." Dean nudged Cas' shoulder "Hey, maybe you'll even find some music you yourself like."</p><p>Cas squinted. "But I like your music."</p><p>Dean rolled his eyes. "If you say so." </p><p>Turning around the corner, Dean was thankful that he could see the diner. </p><p>***</p><p>"Do you know what you want? I know you don't normally like food but you could still try some of mine, see if there's anything less how’d you put it "moleculey?".</p><p>"I’ll just have the coffee." </p><p>Dean nodded. "Okay."</p><p>Raising his hand, Dean waved over the waitress ordering himself pancakes, a substantial amount of bacon and a coffee for Cas. </p><p>"So..." Dean drummed his fingers on the table. God this was so awkward. What did he usually say? What did they usually talk about? Well all they normally talked about was hunting, but he didn't want to talk about anything depressing or work related. Would it be weird to ask Cas questions? He's known him for years and yet he still knows very little of his life before they meet. It was weird sometimes when he remembered how old Cas really was. He supposed it was just another one of those things he was going to have to learn to adjust to because of Cas. </p><p>"How's Jack doing?" God, is that the best you can come with right now, really Dean. Cas isn't good at subtlety; he's never gonna pick up on your feelings. Maybe Sam is right, as horrifying as the thought is that the only way Cas would know would require you to tell him straight, well maybe not straight, out. </p><p>"Well, I'm unsure how he is doing grace wise as there is very little written about nephilim siphoned from archangel parents. Emotionally he seems the same as before."</p><p>Dean nodded thankfully spared by the waiter returning with their food. </p><p>Cas glared at his side order of bacon. "You know eating that much saturated fats will kill you."</p><p>"Hey", Dean waved his fork at Cas "First, if the universe was willing to let go of me it would have done so a long time ago. Second, it's bacon man. You can't say no to bacon."</p><p>Cas continued to glare at him even as he leaned back in his seat, arms crossed. </p><p>Dean smiled, glad that Cas was there, being well Cas, even if that meant he was being unreasonably grumpy and stubborn for a practically immortal being. </p><p>"I'm glad you're back. It was tough without you but you're here now so that's all that matters. Right?"</p><p>Cas lowered his arms to his side and softened his gaze. "I'm glad I'm back too."</p><p>"I... uh, well I missed you when you were gone and it made me realize something. Well, not that I already didn't know it's just now my opinion on what I suppose I've known for a while, years actually. But that's not important. what's important is that I'm trying to say that I..." God he felt like he was going to throw up. There were way too many people around, and no matter how much he felt like he was gaping like a fish thrown onto the sand he didn’t seem to be getting enough air. And Cas was looking at him funny and god he’d just got him back. What was he thinking? This was a terrible idea. Maybe Sam was right; he is way too emotionally constipated. </p><p>"Dean." Blinking, Dean's vision began to refocus. "Are you okay? Your breathing has raised exponentially in the last few seconds."</p><p>"No I'm fine, it's nothing, don't worry about it."</p><p>Cas leaned back, but kept his eyes trained on Dean. "What were you going to say?"</p><p>"Oh that." Dean rubbed at the back of his neck "I... I.." </p><p>Clearing his thoughts, Dean slumped forward. "I realized that I don't want to live in a world that you're not in, because you're my best friend, Cas."</p><p>Dean dragged his eyes upward. It wasn't the three magic words that he had been hoping to say but it was something. A confession of sorts. Cas was smiling and Dean found his heart beat began to slow, maybe he wasn't as bad at this as he thought. Maybe he hadn't made some cheesy love deceleration, but he'd gotten Cas to smile, to really smile and Dean was going to hold on to that image. To the knowledge that he in some form had the power to make Castiel happy. </p><p>He wasn't giving up, he was going to tell him eventually. Maybe. God, the thought was horrifying but if there was a chance that he could get even closer to Cas. A chance that Cas might feel the same way, well then maybe it’s worth the risk. All he needs is a little more time.</p><p>***</p><p>"So, where did you go?" asked Sam.</p><p>Dean plopped the beer on the counter. "Where do you think? Beer run."</p><p>"And Cas was there with you?" </p><p>Dean rolled his eyes. "Yes Cas was there with me. We went to the diner at the corner cause I hadn't had breakfast yet and then we went to the store."</p><p>"You've been spending a lot of time with him lately."</p><p>Dean turned away from his brother rummaging through the grocery bags. "My best friend came back from the dead. What am I supposed to do, ignore him?" </p><p>Sighing, Sam grabbed the box in Dean's hand forcing him to still. "And I'm trying to ask if you've talked to him yet about you know."</p><p>"Yes, Sam, surprisingly I remember."</p><p>"I'm trying to ask if you've talked to him about how you feel."</p><p>Dean walked past Sam and began placing items in the refrigerator. "And I've artfully been trying to ignore it." </p><p>"Dean," Sam chastised.</p><p>"Sam." Dean mocked childishly. </p><p>After a petty stare off that Sam lost, he sighed. "Dean, I want to make sure that you're okay. You know I don't want to pressure you into something you're not ready for. I.. Well I know that, well suspected that you've felt this way for years and I think that it would really help if you talked to him."</p><p>"I know. I want to, I just..."</p><p>"Just what?"</p><p>"I just don't know how to tell him. I want to but every time I open my mouth to try, nothing happens." </p><p>"Well, why don't you try with something smaller first and lead your way up to it."</p><p>"I tried and almost threw up so … thanks but no I don't think that's gonna work."</p><p>"Well, I'm glad that you're trying."</p><p>Dean groaned. "Ugh, can we be done with this mushy shit. I feel like I have spent more time in the last week talking about my feelings than I have in the rest of my life."</p><p>"You know Dean, talking about how you feel isn't bad. It's actually extremely healthy and something you should try to do more often."</p><p>"If I agree to think about it, will you let me escape."</p><p>Sam snorted. "Yeah you're gonna have to save all the Dean emotional allowance to talk to Cas. Right?"</p><p>"What?" Dean placed one hand over his ear and used the other to point his middle finger at his brother. "Can't hear you".</p><p>***</p><p>Dean watched from the corner as Cas glared at the coffee pot. He laughed lightly, startling Cas causing him to jump. </p><p>Dean drags his eyes away from Cas, damn it he was staring again. Way to be subtle Dean. Although Dean supposed that getting caught staring wasn't the worst thing. He was always finding his eyes drawn to the other, but Cas never said anything and if he did maybe it would be the breakthrough he wanted, a way to get Cas to confront him so that he didn't have to find a way to start the horrifying torturous conversation with emotions and feelings and all the things Dean has spent his entire life avoiding. </p><p>Although Dean knew it was a dumb idea if Cas hadn't said anything in the last ten years he wasn't going to start questioning him now. If Cas even picked up on it at all, he was never the best at social queues. He was going to have to tell him eventually god damn it why did Cas have to go and get himself killed. If he hadn't just gone and thrown himself at Lucifer Dean wouldn't be forced to face how he couldn't live without him. He could keep living in his perfectly happy never ending aching denial and jealousy. When Dean looked back at Cas he realised he could never blame him, even if he did recklessly try and get himself killed all that mattered was that he was here now and he hoped he would never have to face the loneliness, the emptiness, the pain of a world without him again. </p><p>"Dean are you okay?"</p><p>"What?" Dean blinked eyes refocusing on Cas' concerned face "No I'm fine just thinking about how it's nice to have you back."</p><p>Cas smiled small and delicate and Dean thought about how maybe he should tell Cas if this is what being honest got him. </p><p>"Coffee?" Dean grabbed the mug from Cas' hands trying not to flinch as his hand dragged across Cas'. </p><p>"Thanks."</p><p>Cas turned and began filling his cup. "Cas, I know you just got back, but Sam found a case nearby. It seems to be a small vamp nest, shouldn't take more than a couple days. Do you want to come?" </p><p>"I’ll come." Dean smiled. It wasn't really the romantic setting he was hoping for, but he was glad that he would get to spend a few days alone with Cas and several vampires, but they didn't really matter anyway.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Near Miss</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The nest was relatively easy to track down. A few hours research in the town's library records and online real estate and they found an abandoned house surrounded by woods (how original Dean thought) near both previous attacks.</p><p>A quick scope of the area and Dean was certain they had the right spot. </p><p>Dean raised his machete with one hand and signalled to Cas with the other. Together they slowly inched forward straining their ears for any noises. Dean could hear nothing but his own breath far too steady for someone in his situation. Inching his way to the front door, Dean waved Cas behind him. </p><p>Lifting his hand to his mouth Dean whispered, quiet enough that even he himself was unable to hear it “One, Two, Three”. He surged forward using his shoulder to throw the door inward. Blinking he struggled to take in the space before, the sudden loss of light. When his eyes cleared he only had several seconds to take in the small room before him, against one wall there was a hideously patterned floral couch with stains he didn’t want to know where they came from, a Tv on the other and a small kitchen tucked in the corner and off to the side two doors. Before a girl was running at him, arms outstretched, sharp needle-like fangs, already barred. </p><p>Dean stepped forward swinging, both hands on the knife as he cut through her head. He barely had time to wipe the blood off his forehead, before there was another vamp running at him screaming. Amateur. Never announce your attack if you're hoping for the element of surprise. The vampire grabbed his knife and Dean pulled the arm linking them forward using his strength to elbow him in the ribs successfully pulling his knife back. The vampire took a step back preparing for another strike, but Dean had managed to swing his blade through his neck before he could. </p><p>Dean turned to see Cas struggling to fight a tall muscular man that had wrapped an arm around Cas from behind. Dean stepped forward, but was stopped by a sudden weight on his back. One of the little fuckers had jumped on his back and was now trying to wrap his hands around his neck. Dean fell letting the added weight drop them both to the floor satisfied by the grunt the vamp below him made. Hopefully the creature had cushioned his fall enough he wouldn’t have to worry about his back tomorrow. He struggled to push himself up, giving the vamp time to grab his arm flipping him onto his back. He leered opening his mouth wide enough that Dean could see all of his teeth. Moving. He was moving forward, thankfully Dean still had his machete. He swung upward closing his eyes and lips tightly waiting for the sound of impact. A loud thud echoed along the wood floor followed by Dea’s  grunting as the body collapsed on top of him. Wiggling, he struggled to roll the full grown man off his chest. </p><p>Pulling himself upward, Dean scanned the area. Cas was on the other side of the room crouched over the decapitated body of the man he was struggling to fight. There was another vamp slowing inching her way towards him from behind, metal glinting in her hand.</p><p> “Cas!!” Dean screamed as he ran, pushing his limbs as fast as he could. Cas looked up. The girl’s eyes were paranoid darting between Dean and Cas as she stepped forward knowing she’d lost the element of surprise. She raised the blade, but before she could swipe downwards, Dean swung putting all his force into his arms, chopping off her head. </p><p>Dropping his blade, Dean grabbed the front of his shirt struggling to breath. He looked down at Cas where he was still crouched on the floor. If he was a couple seconds later, Cas could be. Dean’s vision blurred and he struggled not to topple over. Cas could have been. He blinked trying to clear the images frantically appearing in his head. The red that bloomed across Cas’ chest, the crumbling of his limbs as his body fell to the ground, the etching in the earth of his beautiful wings that Dean had always secretly wondered what they looked and now hoped he had never known. And blue. Not the comforting blue of Cas’ eyes that reminded him of warmth and summer, but the unnaturally blue of Cas’ grace as it burned through his eyes and mouth. The blue that glowed luminescent and bright in a way no human thing ever could. The blue that stayed behind Dean’s eyelids as he closed his eyes.</p><p>“Dean?” Cas spook his voice quiet and concerned. Dean startled looking down staring in confusion, before releasing that Cas must have stood up. Drawing his eyes upward he saw Cas staring at him. Alive, Dean reminded himself. He’s alive. The images in his head were nothing but pictures. But Dean knew that wasn’t true, they weren’t pictures or baseless fears they were memories, because that was real and it had happened. Dean was certain. He’d never be able to forget the weight of Cas’ body in his arms of the dreary lifelessness in the days that followed. </p><p>Cas gently placed his hand on his shoulder startling Dean. “Dean are you alright?” </p><p>Dean drew his eyes back to Cas frantically searching for any sign of life, soaking in the beautiful natural blue of his eyes, letting himself drown in their shallow waters desperate to let it wash away the other unnatural blue.  </p><p>“Yeah…” Dean's voice was rough and gravely as he shook his head attempting to clear his thoughts. “I’m fine… Everything’s fine.” </p><p>“Dean,” Cas let his arm fall to Dean’s side, before hesitantly wrapping it around Dean drawing him closer. “You do not have to lie to me.”</p><p>Dean stared at Cas, eyes wide, before letting himself lean on the other man drawing his own arms around his waist. “I...I…” Dean closed, breathing deeply.  “You were… and she was… and you almost and…” Dean choked off,  burrowing his head into Cas neck. </p><p>“I know." Cas whispered quietly, head tilted towards Dean. </p><p>Normally, Dean would have pushed Cas away with a “no chick flick moments.” But he doesn’t, he leans closer to Cas burrowing his head into his neck and lets himself cry. He wondered briefly what his dad would think of him now. How pathetic he’s being leaning on someone crying when nothing even happened. But then he thinks of Sam and knows that it doesn’t matter what his dad would think, because Sam would be proud that he was letting himself feel, that he was crying instead of turning his sadness into anger. He was accepting comfort from others rather than hiding behind violence. </p><p>He held Cas tightly and let himself for the first time in a long time feel everything he’d pushed away. When Cas returned he was ecstatic, but it didn’t fix everything. He was still traumatised, haunted by the thought of life without Cas. Cas was alive now, but that didn’t mean he was going to stay that way forever. Having to try to live without him, he realised he couldn’t. He needed Cas, hell he still needs him. It seemed stupid though to fall into these fears, to mourn someone alive and standing in front of him. So, he pushed his thoughts away and chose to only think about the positives. But here in this falling apart abandoned house in the woods littered with bodies, he lets Cas take his weight. </p><p>Dean turned eyes searching for Cas, “I can’t live without you. Not again.” </p><p>Cas looks back at Dean. “I’m here.” </p><p>There’s warmth in Dean’s chest. He wants to tell Cas. He should tell Cas. Now seems as good a time as any, but when he opens his mouth he realises Cas is already speaking.</p><p>“We should head back. It’s getting late and you should get some rest.” </p><p>Cas lowered his arms stepping away from Dean. Dean shivered already missing the warmth. Unsure what he should do with his arms, Dean lifted them, wrapping them around himself before giving up and dropping them altogether. coughing, he takes a couple steps back. “Yeah,” he rubbed the back of his neck, “we should head back to the motel and we can start driving back to the bunker first thing in the morning.” </p><p>Cas nodded heading for the exit. Dean watched him walk away for several seconds, before he began to follow.</p><p>***</p><p>“Coffee?” Dean groaned, hands stretching above his face in a desperate attempt to shield himself from the light. </p><p>Rubbing his hand down his face, Dean yawned “What?” </p><p>“Coffee." Cas repeated, holding out the cheap paper cup toward Dean. </p><p>Dean reached forward grabbing the coffee from Cas. “Thanks.”</p><p>Dean stared at Cas trying and failing to calm the beating of his heart. He’s alive. God Dean rubs his hand down his face; who knew Sam was right it was too early to go back on the case not for Cas, but himself. Was he ever going to be able to get rid of his fear of losing him? Was he ever going to be able to think rationally around the other man? But Dean remembered the pain of the days following Cas’ death and conceded that he was always going to worry about him.   </p><p>***</p><p>The drive back to the bunker was long and quiet, only the bumps of the road and the rumbling of baby’s engine to keep them company. Dean kept finding himself turning to look at Cas’ profile and the strong set of his jaw. </p><p>He sighed, opening his mouth before closing it and shaking his head, unsure of what to say. There were so many thoughts rushing through his head, images of the past, the good and the bad between him and Cas. Sam’s words before he left. He wasn’t sure what to say. </p><p>He felt compelled to explain to Cas why he reacted the way he had, the fear he’d felt when the girl stood over him blade glinting in the dark. </p><p>But as he looked back over to Cas’ he realized he didn’t have to. Cas understood him in ways few others ever had. </p><p>If his gaze drew to Cas’ to insure that the man really was beside him then no one needed to know. At least not at that moment. The time would come and Dean would tell Cas, but in this instant he was content to sit in the silence with nothing but stolen glances ensuring his friend was still by his side.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Confronting Reality</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There was cackling all around him echoing in the neverending darkness. He could feel nothing but a deep cold and crushing sense of doom. Blinking, he struggled against the sudden bright light glowing all around him somehow crushing in its weight, yet never ending in its expanse. It was blue, a bright unnatural blue crushing him from all sides. As fast as the light came it disappeared and was replaced by long black feathers falling, from where he could not see. He reached his hand out trying to grab one, but when it touched his skin, it crumbled to dust and fell through his fingers. </p><p>"Cas!!" Dean awoke legs tangling in the covers, as he struggled to pull his body upwards. He blinked hoping to clear the neverending blue from his mind. He clutched the fabric over his heart struggling to gasp in air. It took his brain several seconds to adjust to where he was. He was in his bed in the bunker. </p><p>Cas. Dean shook his head as the previous day filtered to mind. Cas was fine, he was in his room in the bunker. Cas was safe.  </p><p>Dean waited in the heavy silence of the night only interrupted by his harsh breaths. He layed back down staring at his ceiling, thinking. When his breaths evened out and he could no longer hear the blood rushing to his ears and he was left abandoned in the empty dark silence of the night, he pushed himself off his bed. He didn’t want to be alone. He was sick of being alone of pulling himself back. God he’d almost told Cas how he felt so many times and yet he always backed away at the last possible second. He was sick of hiding, of running. </p><p>Realizing he would not be able to go back to sleep tonight anyway, he stood determined to just get this over with. He’d been dragging this thing for years and he realized now that all he really wanted was to feel a little less alone in this world. </p><p>He walked as fast as he could down the familiar path to Cas’ room, hoping to arrive before his doubts could rush up and catch him. Lifting his hand to the door he hesitated pulling his arm back. No, he thought. You’re doing this. You can’t back out, not again. </p><p>The knock echoed loudly in the eerie silence. </p><p>“Come in.” A deep gravelly voice answered from the other side. </p><p>Dean wrapped his hand around the handle, breathing deeply to gather all his courage. He pushed the door open. Cas was sitting at the foot of his bed, his trenchcoat now splattered with blood hung from his frame. </p><p>“Dean shouldn’t you be sleeping?” Cas tilted his head to the side and for once Dean didn’t push the thought of how cute he was down, choosing instead to let it echo in his head. </p><p>“I… um,” he rubbed the back of his neck hoping that Cas couldn’t see his blush in the dark. “wanted to talk to you.”</p><p>“Okay. What did you wish to discuss?" </p><p>Dean stared at the door for several seconds before breathing deeply and moving to sit beside Castiel on the edge of his bed. </p><p>“I um… Well I wanted to tell you that… I” Dean stuttered struggling under the weight of Cas’ gaze.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas said,voice calm and comforting, “you do not need to say anything to me that would render you uncomfortable. I know you are worried about me, that doesn’t make you weaker.”</p><p>Dean blinked “It's not that.” Upon seeing Cas confused frown, Dean clears his throat. “It's not that I’m not worried about you, because I am. It's just that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about.”</p><p>“Okay.” Cas placed his hand gently over Dean’s. “What did you wish to talk to me about?”</p><p>Dean stared at Cas’ hand resting on top of his for several seconds, before he could gather the courage to lift his eyes up to Cas’. “I wanted to tell you ever since you… well since you came back. Well really I wanted to tell you before then, but I didn’t really realize until after.” </p><p>Dean breathed deeply, shaking his head, hoping to start again. “Well when you were gone, I well … I realized I can’t live without you. I need you. And all I could think of was that I didn’t, before, I couldn’t, I wasn’t able to tell you I.. I…” Dean trailed off, struggling to think over the beating of his heart</p><p>“Dean.” Cas interrupted, voice light. </p><p>“Right,” Dean cleared his throat, “I love you.”</p><p>Dean stared at the confusion on Cas’ face for several seconds fearing his response. Whipping his hands down his legs, he drew his eyes away from Cas’ intimidating gaze. “I’m in love with you.” </p><p>Forcing himself to face what he’s been hiding for years, he lifted his gaze back up to Cas’. “I have been for years.”</p><p>Watching Cas’ face, Dean waited for a sign, any sign that Cas had heard him. He’s surprised to see a soft smile slowly lift Cas’ face and the tension fall from his shoulders. “I love you too, Dean.” </p><p>Dean smiled the widest he can ever remember smiling. A small disbelieving giddy laugh falls from his lips before he can help it. </p><p>Cas tilted his head to the side questioningly. Adorable. But he doesn't look upset, a small disbelieving smile on his face. </p><p>"Sorry. It's just I've been worrying about this for years and I can't believe that it was it."</p><p>Cas doesn't seem offended, but rather amused by Dean's antics. "It did take us a long time to get here."</p><p>Dean looked over at Cas letting himself take him in, because he can now. There's no need to hide behind darting glances and half hearted words. He doesn't have to hide, because Cas already knows and he feels the same. </p><p>Dean's eyes drifted downward, wondering if he’s allowed to kiss Cas now. He knew that despite his many years of existence, Cas has almost no experience with relationships.</p><p>Dean learned forward until Cas' face was only a few inches from his. His breath hitched and he wondered if Cas could feel it on his lips. He breathed deeply, hoping he could gain courage from the air. </p><p>"Can I kiss you?" Dean whispered scared of breaking the fragile wall they kept for so many years. </p><p>"Please." </p><p>God. He's about to kiss Cas. His best friend Cas. The person he's been secretly in love with for almost a decade. It's almost too much to think about. </p><p>But his years of thinking, of wondering surged forward. Normally he pushed these thoughts down, hiding them in the darkest part of his mind, but he lets them stay, let's the force of his desire push him forward. </p><p>Tentatively he put his hand on Cas' shoulder, familiar territory. Dean has spent years calculating every touch determining what he was and was not allowed to do. Dean let himself cross the barrier, to touch in ways he'd always wanted.</p><p>Slowly, wanting to savour every moment, he dragged his hand along Cas' shoulder and up his slender neck until he was cupping his cheek in his hand. Dean felt the rough scrape off stubble. He could freak out. He could so freak out right now. He is freaking out, not in the I can never take this back kind of way, but more like I can't believe this thing I've been working my whole life towards is finally gonna pay off kind of way. God he thought, I'm about kiss Cas. Cas. </p><p>Normally, Dean was all about hot and heavy. But in this moment, he realized he had all the time in the world. He brushed his lips tentatively against Cas. Slowly easing his way into it. Cas lifted his hand resting it gingerly against Dean's side, unsure what to do. </p><p>Dean licked his way across Cas' bottom lip before he let his tongue explore Cas' mouth. God he thought, Cas shouldn't be this good at kissing for how little experience he has. But all Dean is really thinking about is how much of an idiot he's been. They could have been doing this the whole time. </p><p>Needing air Dean reluctantly pulled backwards. Cas looked flushed, eyes wide. "That was…"</p><p>"Amazing." Dean shook his head "God I've been stupid. To think we could have been doing this the entire time."</p><p>Cas shook his head, a small smile on his lips. “You’re not stupid, Dean.” </p><p>“Well, I’m feeling pretty stupid right now.” </p><p>Cas stared at his hands, now back in his lap. “I also haven’t been the smartest regarding our relationship.” </p><p>Dean flopped backwards on the bed. “We're just a couple of dumbasses, aren’t we?”</p><p>Cas laughed light airy. </p><p>Tugging on Cas’ sleeve, Dean laughed. “Come here.” </p><p>Cas let himself be pulled down by Dean till he was laying by his side. </p><p>Pushing himself up onto his elbow, Dean looked down at Cas’, smiling. </p><p>“You’re beautiful.” </p><p>Cas looked down at himself. “I suppose this is a more aesthetically pleasing vessel.” </p><p>Dean laughed. “That’s not what I meant. Sure your vessel’s great. But what I meant is, you’re a great person.” </p><p>Dean pointed down at Cas’ “And before you tell me you’re not a person, you knew what I meant.” </p><p>Turning on his side, Cas smiled and even if it felt like its brightness was burning Dean, he couldn’t look away. “You’re a great person too, Dean.” </p><p>Dean leaned forward chastely pressing his lips against Cas’. Then again, and again. He already wondered how he was going to get anything done now that he knew kissing Cas was an option. Especially because, god kissing Cas, was amazing. </p><p>Pulling back, Dean leaned his forehead against Cas’, sighing in content. </p><p>After several seconds, Dean yawned, suddenly reminded it's the middle of the night and he hasn’t really slept properly in like a month. </p><p>Cas pulled backwards trying to hide the disappointment in his voice. “You should sleep, it is late and rest is important.” </p><p>Dean nodded, eyes heavy, “come here.” </p><p>Cas tilted his head, confusion evident on his features. Rolling his eyes Dean drags Cas closer to his side. “There” He whispered, running his fingers through Cas’ hair. Drifting off to sleep, all Dean can think about is that tomorrow he gets to wake up in Cas’ arms.</p>
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<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Warmth was the first thing Dean felt, his mind slowly surfacing from sleep. Heaviness was the next. His chest felt weighted as if he was being crushed, his breaths sounding long and shallow in the early morning silence. Despite his body protests, He wrenched his eyes open.</p><p>It took several seconds for the world to distinguish itself. When Dean’s eyes adjusted to the soft light filtering through the room, he's struck by a bizarre off center feeling. Everything seemed wrong, not in a way that’s bright and glaring, but in a subtle shift as if the world had titled a few degrees in his sleep. The door seemed to be on the wrong side of the room, the walls had a distinct lack of pictures and band posters. </p><p>There was a soft groan of contentment, that reminded Dean of a cat stretching towards the sun after a long nap, and a brush of something along his neck.</p><p>He whipped his head downward bracing for some form of attack, but looking down he saw Cas. Sprawled half on top of Dean with his head resting below Dean’s collar bone, one arm wrapped around Dean’s waist, the other hanging off the edge of the bed. </p><p>Memories from last night surfaced, floating through his brain in bits and pieces Dean was desperate to grab and cradle to his chest. He couldn’t stop the stupid dopey grin from taking over his face, even if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to. He wanted to remember this moment. He finally got to hold cas in his arms in the way he’d wanted to for so many years. In a way where he didn’t have to count the seconds, where he didn’t have to draw himself back and lie about the pain it caused. </p><p>Cas was here with him and despite what Dean thought, even if he wasn’t sure he could believe it yet, Cas loved him. </p><p>He spent several seconds staring down at Cas watching, suddenly understanding Cas' unnerving habit of watching him sleep. </p><p>Dean thought Cas was beautiful, it wasn’t usually a word he thought of in regards to men, but it suited Cas. He was heart achingly beautiful, in a way that made Dean's chest constrict and his breath to feel like fire. Sometimes Cas’ gaze felt sharp and powerful and Dean felt like if he moved in the wrong way he could get cut in its edges, but sometimes Cas’ gaze was soft and comforting in a way that reminded Dean of lazy morning ocean waves and the summer skies of his long past and rare happy childhood days. </p><p>Staring down at Cas, Dean couldn’t help but wonder what was going to happen in the future. He wondered about what would change and found for once he wasn’t scared of the possibilities. His first thought wasn’t about doom or pain, but rather about how glad he was to have Cas back by his side. When he thought he’d lost Cas forever he'd been forced to face how much he needed him and now that he was back Dean was determined never to let him go again. </p><p>Cas’ hair tickled Dean’s neck and Dean wondered what it would feel like to drag his fingers through it. So he did, because he didn’t have to feel guilty about his thoughts anymore. His hair was surprisingly thick and soft.</p><p>Cas mumbled something against Dean’s skin and nuzzled himself against Dean’s neck. </p><p>“What?” Dean whispered voice light as it drifted through the empty air. </p><p>“S’early” </p><p>Dean laughed causing Cas’ body to lift with him. “I thought angels didn’t sleep?” </p><p>“My grace feels weaker and different since I returned from the empty,” Cas lifted his head resting it on his hand so he could stare down at Dean, “You know this.” </p><p>Dean hummed in agreement. </p><p>“So, breakfast.” Dean liked the idea of staying in the warm bed holding Cas close to his chest, but he was hungry.</p><p>Cas grunted letting his head flop back onto Dean’s chest. </p><p>Dean laughed surprised at how light he felt even with Cas’ weight laying on top of him. He would never understand how Cas could look both so grumpy and be so cute at the same time. </p><p>“I’ll get you coffee.” He whispered against Cas’ hair as if it were a secret. </p><p>“Fine.” </p><p>When Cas hadn’t moved for several seconds, Dean cleared his throat, “Cas if you want coffee you're going to have to move, so I can move.” </p><p>Cas mumbled something indistinguishable under his breath, but pushed himself up and moved away from Dean. </p><p>Immediately Dean felt shivers rise along his arms and struggled to withstand his irrational need to pull Cas closer to him once again. </p><p>Dean rushed to catch up with Cas who was already out the door.</p><p>Thankfully when he wandered into the bunker’s kitchen, Sam was already awake leaning against the counter sipping from a mug meaning Sam had already made coffee and all he had to do was pour it into two mugs. </p><p>He handed one to Cas letting his fingers brush against Cas a second too long. </p><p>Normally when Dean found his eyes drifting towards Cas he would force himself to look away, but this time Dean let his eyes wander. Cas’ hair was somehow messier than normal and there was a small and almost indistinguishable smile on his face, but for Cas a smile was something and Dean was amazed that he was the one who had made it appear.  He didn’t think he should be trusted to have power over something as beautiful and complex as Cas’ feelings, but if he had the ability to make Cas happier well he was damn well going to try. Especially if it meant that he could see more of his smiles. </p><p>***</p><p>Dean leaned over the counter and sighed staring at Cas as he talked to Jack. He was so happy, Dean could see how much Jack's view of him mattered. </p><p>“So?” Sam drawled. </p><p>Dean turned to face his brother, eyebrows furrowed. “So what?”</p><p>Sam nodded towards Cas and Jack, “You and Cas.” </p><p>“Yeah.” Dean rubbed at the back of his neck feeling heat take over his face. <br/>Upon seeing Sam’s smirking face Dean gently smacked his brother's arm “Shut up.” </p><p>Sam rolled his eyes. “I’m glad, you seem happier, both of you.”</p><p>“Thanks, Sam that… uh,” Dean cleared his throat, “Means a lot.” </p><p>“All I want is for you two to be happy. And don’t forget that you can talk to me about anything okay.” </p><p>Dean nodded, “yeah I know Sammy. And just so you know, I am happy.”</p><p>Dean turned to look over at Cas’ who’s smiling proudly at Jack. After seeing Cas’ smiling, Dean can’t help but smile himself. “Happiest I’ve been in a long time.”</p>
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